Pure, Unadulterated Crack
by Jokul Frosti
Summary: Thought of this in the middle of the night and couldn't stop laughing. "Princess" Harry is kidnapped and taken to the Slytherin kingdom. The rescue mission takes an interesting turn.
**A fangirl's mind is a dangerous thing in the middle of the night.**

 **Voldemort: It's dangerous period!**

 **Snape: I concur.**

 **Draco: Aren't you supposed to be working on** **Miseria Cantare** **?**

 **Yes, but I must write this.**

 **Story contains:** Shounen-ai, cross dressing/laid back Harry, Luna is DBZ Abridged Mr. Popo, Ginny is the fail Knight in Shining Armor, movie/TV show references, an appearance by Edward Elric, segment of Twilight bashing, gushing mothers, mentioned mature content, OOCness of course, foul language, mentioned MPreg

 **I own nothing accept this plot that may have you questioning my sanity.**

 **Harry: We already do.**

 **Shut up and get in the dress.**

* * *

 _ **[I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.]**_

In the country of Hogwarts the Great War wages between the Light and the Dark, and it seems the Dark may be victorious. Harry James Potter, the "princess" of Gryffindor and important epitome of the Light has been kidnapped from his bed by Peter "Wormtail" Pettigrew who was thought to be a trusted friend to King James and Queen Lily.

They turned to the Chief Warlock Albus Dumbledore, and the Seer Lady Luna Lovegood for help in finding the one brave enough venture into the Slytherin kingdom to get the "princess" back.

"Well, I don't know if Luna is willing to help..." Dumbledore said uncomfortably as he glanced back at the Seer "She's rather irrate because the Nargles have been hanging around as of late. You may need to beg."

"Do I look like I beg?!" James snapped only to whimper when Lily smacked him upside the head.

"Think about the welfare of your son!" she glared at him.

Luna laughed, "Good, the queen knows better."

Lily curtsied then stood straight, "Lady Seer, tell us. Will Harry be returned safely?"

"Oh yeah. No problem." Luna said casually.

"But by who? I will reward the hero with the hand of the "princess" in marriage!" James declared.

Now because this was all happening at the palace a lot of people turned up from not only Gryffindor, but also Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, to hear if the Light still stood a chance. One can only imagine the chaos that ensued when the words "princess" and "marriage" were said in the same sentence; a barrier spell had to be cast in order to keep back all the power hunger, lust driven fuckers.

Afrer all, whoever married "Princess" Harry became King of Gryffindor, and the "princess" was the most beautiful after his mother what with looking like the perfect feminine version of King James with Queen Lily's eyes. It goes without saying that a lot of guys had a good wank at night while imagining the "princess" writhing under them.

Luna knew that of course, and it literally made her sick. At least it was amusing to see Dumbledore clean up the mess after he slipped on it.

"Your Majesties! I would be honored to rescue the "princess"!"

Okay that was a girl. A redheaded girl. With freckles. Those were the traits of the Weasley family who had been the most loyal to the Gryffindor royal family since the beginning; the one who'd spoken was the youngest of seven children and only daughter, Ginny who everyone knew was delusional enough to believe the "princess" was in love with her.

"Oh look, a woman who doesn't know any better." Luna said boredly.

"Ginerva Weasley! You are not going to Slytherin on your own!" Molly Weasley shrieked.

"What if I took a party?" the girl asked.

"Then yes."

"Alright..." James glanced at his wife who shared his thoughts on the women "Who do you want in your party to Slytherin?"

Ginny crossed the barrier with Dumbledore's say and came over to them, "My brother Ron, his girlfriend Hermione, and Sir Neville."

"Oh this will be classic. I have to go and see how this turns out." Luna smirked.

After being given armor, horses, and supplies the party was off to the kingdom of Slytherin.

* * *

Meanwhile in Slytherin, specifically Malfoy Castle since "all powerful" leader of the Dark, Lord Voldemort couldn't afford his own place (go figure), the court was gathering to discuss plans for when the Light lost the war.

Voldemort was looking at maps of the kingdoms with Fenrir Greyback while listening to construction plans while the rest idled about drinking and eating just because they could.

"We want to put the summer palaces in Hufflepuff, complete with jacuzzies here, and an Olympic pool complete with a mini bar here."

"As long as there are good drinks." Volsemort warned casually.

King Lucius pouted, "The mini bar was my idea, the thief."

"I heard that!" the Dark Lord rounded on the guy who was technically his host "As punishment you have to do the Dance! And sing! Merlin help you if you forget to sing!"

The king groaned and began doing the ever embarrassing song and dance routine from Animaniacs all while singing, _"I really like Rasputin 'cause I don't realize I only like Rasputin 'cause I am hypnotized._ Hey!"

Draco Malfoy, Lucius' son an heir, rolled his eyes as the court laughed. He stopped being amused by his father doing the Russian dance the second time he was forced to do it. So he left the throne room to go have a look at the "princess" Wormtail brought to the castle, since he had nothing better to do. When he got to the tower their prisoner was being kept in he knocked once then entered the room without waiting for an answer, and boy was he surprised!

The "princess" of Gryffindor was hotter and more gorgeous than Aphrodite. He had waist length blacker than ebony hair, plush cupid bow lips, a lithe body with child bearing hips, and holy fuck eyes that shamed emeralds set in a heart shaped face. But he was just lounging and reading a book as if he were home.

"Good read?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess. It's the Supernatural book series." Harry answered without looking up.

"Oh yeah, I read those. Coulda been better."

"Yeah. Dean could a just fucked Castiel."

"I know right?"

Harry looked at Draco shamelessly checking him out, "You're hotter than Adonis."

"And you shame Aphrodite. Wanna fuck?" Draco smirked seductively.

The brunet tossed the book somewhere behind him and lifted the skirt of his dress to just below his pelvis, "Take me, I'm yours!"

 _'Score!'_ was the blond's last thought before he locked the door and pounced.

* * *

Meanwhile with the rescue squad Luna started laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ron asked.

"Shut up bitch!" the Seer snapped.

Hermione cleared her throat, "Bitch is actually a term for female do-"

She was suddenly pushed into a conveniently located lake.

"No one cares!"

Ginny stared between them as her brother and Neville helped Hermione out of the water.

Luna popped her hip and put a hand on it, "Alright wackspurts, it's time you learned the pecking order since you think you can question me and speak out of turn. It goes you, mud, the Aquavirus maggots in the mud, Thestral dung, "Princess" Harry, then me."

"If I may ask?" Neville nervously raised a hand "How did the "princess" make it in the pecking order?"

"I'll answer that because you're hot. He made it because he, unlike everyone else in the damn kingdom, doesn't think I'm crazy." Luna said.

Neville blushed at being called hot.

"Now let's go." Luna snapped starting to walk again.

* * *

Meanwhile Harry and Draco just collapsed from five rounds straight of sex.

"Wow...! I just know...that I won't walk straight...for a month... And... I am bound...to be pregnant..by morning." Harry panted out.

"If that's the case..we're eloping." Draco said.

"Better put a ring on it first."

"When I can move again."

* * *

Three days later the rescue party reached Malfoy Castle and the final face off had begun.

"We've come for "Princess" Harry you vile snake!" Ginny declared drawing the Sword of Gryffindor from her side.

Voldemort laughed, "That's so cute! You think you stand a chance! Well you don't. And even if you did you can't save your precious "princess"."

He pulled a random lever opening a wall showing Harry tied to a suspended platform over a tank holding a giant squid. And tied to the ropes holding the platform up were firecrackers being lit by Wormtail.

"As you can see I have a pet to feed and- Oh look! It's the Pendulum of Doom! What's the Pendulum of Doom doing there? I didn't order the Pendulum of Doom! It's overkill! Get rid of it!"

Wormtail grabbed a rope and started pulling on it rapidly to raise the swinging blade and gave a sheepish smile.

The Dark sighed in irritation, "Good help is so hard to find."

"Oh believe me, I know." Luna agreed.

Ginny was starry eyed over the "princess", "Don't worry my love, I'll save you!"

Harry turned green, "Oh my hero. Hey wait a minute! Who gave you permission to use my ancestor's sword?!"

"Cheif Warlock Dumbledore did." Hermione answered.

"Oh, okay." Harry relaxed again.

Voldemort laughed again, "Even if you managed to kill me, I have the Philosopher's Stone!"

He pulled a small red stone from his robes and held it proudly over his head then was taken by surprise when it was snatched from his grasp. They looked to see a guys with blond hair pulled back in a braid and gold eyes, and he wore a black leather outfit with a red coat that had an intricate insignia on the back.

"Finally got it! Now Al and I can get our bodies back no problem!"

"Who the hell are you?!" Ron shouted.

The stranger looked at them, "Me? The name's Edward."

"Cullen?" Ginny asked excitedly.

"Do I look like Robert Patterson to you?!" He snapped "He's not even a real vampire! Sparkling, pretty boy, fairy princess bitch..."

While all this was going on Draco had already tossed Wormtail to the giant squid, extinguished the fuses for the firecrackers, and was now untying Harry.

"Ready to go love?" he asked pulling the "princess" to his feet.

"Please." Harry nodded.

They walked down the stairs and passed the arguing group.

"Bye guys. Thanks for trying." Harry waved.

"Wait what?" Voldemort looked at them.

"Harry my darling where are you going?!" Ginny cried.

"Home with my fiancé. Duh."

Luna laughed giving Voldemort a present, "Good try though. Open it after we leave." She took Neville's hand following the couple out.

Ron and Hermione looked at each other, shrugged, and followed as well. Ron needed to literally drag a sobbing Ginny out.

Edward left too still miffed to being mistaken for an insult to vampires simply by name.

Voldemort sighed and opened his gift seeing a bomb, "Uh oh."

It blew up Malfoy Castle sending Voldemort and the giant squid to the ocean where the squid, still hungry, decided to eat the Dark Lord.

* * *

When everyone finally returned to Gryffindor kingdom Harry was immediately smothered in kisses by Lily. Luna informed everyone that Voldemort was dead, and that Harry was pregnant with Draco's child.

Lily and Narcissa (don't ask how Lucius and she got there) squealed and immediately went ahead to plan a wedding.

"Does this count as eloping?" Draco asked.

"I dunno. Maybe." Harry shrugged not really caring.

Meanwhile the queens went on about wedding gowns, flowers, what the baby would look like, how many grandkids they would get to spoil, etc.

James and Lucius just sighed deciding to go for a drink.

"At least I won't need to ever do that stupid dance ever again." Lucius said.

"Pecking order." Luna said.

Sorry Lucius, you dance when Luna says now.

 _ **[Mischief managed.]**_

* * *

 **References/Featured:**

 **Bloopers from the Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe**

 **Supernatural**

 **Dragon Ball Z Abridged**

 **Loonytoons Back in Action**

 **Animaniacs** **Episode 18**

 **Twilight**

 **Fullmetal Alchemist**

 **"Put A Ring On It" by Beyonce**

 **Done now~**


End file.
